7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
You Might Also Like
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.