The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My new favorite headline
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.