Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
my professor scared me for a second
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still