(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
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If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.