Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Britain be like
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
seems like a niche market
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.