I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun