boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
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I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Wednesday
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.