Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
You Might Also Like
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.