IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!