What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.