I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?