ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
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Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons