how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
what the
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.