went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
#damn
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing