*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
You Might Also Like
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Well well well…
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.