ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need