Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
They’re stuck in your pants?
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.