3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes