I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.