Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
🤣
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐