My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
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When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.