me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.