Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
blocked.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.