Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Practicing safe sax
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I saw nothing
Me buying fruit and veg
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *