[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
*3.5 thank you very much.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.