Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
ACED my prostate exam!
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
We avoided this particular disaster
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
This could’ve been an email.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.