“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
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Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
#SCOTUS one-star review
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.