A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Namaste
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Who says great literature is dead?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*jingles half the way*