What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5