me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
You Might Also Like
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Today’s Times
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.