Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
jesus, what did this guy do
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers