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Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Happy Thanksgiving
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.