Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
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No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.