When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
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I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Shower sex be like:
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES