interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
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Someone should probably go check on Steve.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what