My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
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How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
The happy life.. 😊
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Going into Monday like
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30