By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
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*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
and this one
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.