“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me hooking up with my ex
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS