Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Its true…
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?