Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire