People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Breaking news:
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
When I laugh on my period
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back