God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
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Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.