I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Brb my Sims are getting married
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Not helping
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.