[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
So that’s what we looked like?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂