If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
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How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
wut hotdog?
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’d hang this in my house.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls