other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
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“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
nature’s most graceful animal
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix