Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
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nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*