Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!