To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice