[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
it was a valiant fight
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes